It’s interesting to have moments in knowing “hum this feels familiar - I better do the things to stop it”.
It’s been two decades since the reality of my “other side” really waved her flag and shoved me off the edge.
Now this isn't a dancing curious shadow with a whimsically fancy little twinkling light that follows as it mesmerizes you in the candle lit bedroom, and then trustingly, supports you to fly out your window into the star filled night sky to take you to a magical land where you can love and play with souls unlike yours.
Tinkerbell and Peter Pan don't live here.
I recently related to a definition of “Depressionist” (from the Urban Dictionary: Being the happiest functioning depressionist you’ve ever met.)
Funny and relatable, however, it goes far beyond and behind this sarcastic, avoidant assimilation.
So much that this has been a hard process to even start writing....I have written and deleted, I have written and kept writing for well over a month now.
I can’t ever properly articulate my feelings. And I can’t seem to find vocabulary to help my mom understand my mental illness, and I don’t even try to tell others. Too often I get the “oh come on, that’s not you” as a response to my vulnerable and transparent acknowledgement of where I am right now.
I know I was born with this, always battling a significant dark monster inside. The bulk of my life I have hated who I was, didn’t understand what my purpose was, have extreme doubt and have played out probably 202 ways to leave this earth.
And for the past 7 years - I’m not “allowed” to identify I feel this way.
I’m a mom.
I had my time for mood swings and “depression” (said with quotes because the word has been diluted so much no one cares about the true weight of being a person living with depression). I had the window for postpartum after my daughter's birth and that has passed. So what the hell is my problem? Nevermind, this has been part of my life WELL before I ever thought of being a mom.
There is a SMALL area in my cerebrum that supports a base level of reasoning and ability to engage in the - what seems to be - hostage negotiations with the dark monster inside of me.
Everyday I quietly acknowledge her through the tightness in my chest and shallow breath. Most times that is enough for her to go back to her delicate slumber in my soul so I can proceed through my day to overextend myself for my work. See work is my medicine. In that place, in front of those people, I have to perform. I get to be whoever I need to be to get the outcome desired and not who I actually am. I get to show up and show out for the mere opportunity for someone to smile, say thank you and affirm I did a good enough job.
In the past month, a pin fell out of the door where she (dark monster) usually sleeps and has pushed me back to the swallowing of darkness I had when I was 17.
The constant physical sickness I receive in waves is the monster trying to heave herself out of my body and consume my normal looking life.
I’ve tapped into talking to my therapist regularly.
I’ve worked faster and harder at my weekend job to sweat out the grimey crud that the monster expels with each breath.
I’ve engaged a Reiki master who has opened windows and trap doors to my innermost energy.
My shadow side has come into my life full force.
Depression and Anxiety doesn’t look any special, alarming, flag waving, way… or it does. It depends on what either you experience, what you’ve seen with a loved one, or what you chose to believe on TV.
I can only speak to mine… which is a challenge but maybe if I talk about it as if it’s someone else I can get out of my head.
Crying a lot only when alone and with no known specific trigger (only my Diencephalon would know)
Zero, and I mean zero patience
The feeling of COPD, a full inability to take a deep breath without wanting to vomit
Insomnia
Consistent physical pain - like pulled muscles and sheer fatigue in major organs (kidneys and ovaries)
Frustrating task of finding focus in work, especially documentations
Having no memory of travel, driving to locations for work and not being able to remember the process
Worry. Intense worry that everything is getting fucked up and major loss is inevitable
Unable to look into the mirror and see a human, only to put on makeup to be the face I should be that day.
When looking at the day or week ahead, I feel like a hypnotist's black and white spiral wheel is hazily in front of me.
Grooming, bathing, etc is a arduous task
Remove any form of intimacy from my life.
Unable to clean or organize my personal environment.
No appetite or an unsatisfying appetite.
When I try and “get into my body” (in an uncreepy or sexual way) through yoga or getting on my cycle it works for a moment. But within minutes I can’t catch my breath and I haven’t even reached into the flow. I have to stop and restart. I have to let go of frustration in myself and looking at the clock saying “you only have 30 minutes until your next meeting, your next call, your next - next - next. Maybe this is my hidden lesson. That the “restart” inevitably happens. Always.
I have an expectation. When it doesn’t live up to my brain I bail.
I openly verbalize in all situations “no expectations, it’s all good” because if I voice it, it’s real, thus it cannot affect me.
Sometimes that works. Sometimes it doesn’t. But I’ll take the “sometimes working” any day.
A sub-topic of depression…. Having a relationship while being a Depressionist SUCKS.
If you live in this tap-in/ tap-out mental state, it’s nearly impossible to find someone that will put up with the rollercoaster. Also, not the best move to find someone more fucked up than you to take the pressure off because that, my friends, would be a tailspin extraordinaire!
Mental maturity is key.
An ability to see and hear things abstractly is imperative.
AND finding someone that you can be honest with about your struggle, pretty immediately in knowing each other, is bold and ballsy but can reap dividends. (My beau I landed this shit on our first blind date, and it was mainly because I didn’t care, had nothing to lose, no chance of seeing him ever again, and wasn’t saying anything that was bullshit…. Over a year later we are still together).
To find someone that challenges me and doesn’t excuse me is very important. I have to put the work in now. I have to figure this shit out and not just go into my modes of function without form.
My growing daughter is another factor. Unpacking all of this is important for her to subconsciously see and for me to more fully understand her in her journey too.
I truly don’t know what’s happening and unfolding for me.
Each therapy session I have or moment of quiet, something rises to the surface of my cortex and pushes me back and forth in understanding the path in my life.
I’m unknowing my past truths.
My sister-in-law randomly recommended, and lent me, her book “What Happened To You”. I knew nothing about it or about my unfurling at the time.
That book has opened, shifted and let go of some serious shit.
Mind you, I kicked into this when I had to fully exile from reading through another book “Pussy” which is what tripped me into an extremely intense, horrible, manic state. (Yes, there are some deep deep issues I have with intimacy.) I made it, maybe, 35% into that book before a feeling of shame, guilt, disgust, embarrassment and defensiveness consumed my mental world for DAYS.
So coming back to the “What Happened To You” book - game changer. Pieces have been coming together in my increments of time to review, apply, acknowledge and let go during my time of reading and how it layers with my life.
Worry No More - Amos Lee
Here is a song that recently showed up for me in my catatonic state of driving... I think it's good to hear every. damn. day.
There is too much out there that actually doesn't serve the greatest good in each person individually. I'm trying to find my right filter from that junk, I hope you do too.
~virtual chest bump
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