Just Over Here Crastinating

I admire all those that can plan out and slay goals and deadlines.  

I saw a sign recently that said “I’ve been doing so well at ‘crastinating that I decided to turn Pro”.

My whole life I have put off anything that has a deadline till the painful end.  Push that into the sneaky life things that don’t really have a deadline and I still kick the can down the road feeling remorse, guilt and anxiety all along the way.

I thrive on stress and I hate it.  I try and create all these processes and environments to support a clear path and strategy to accomplish whatever lies ahead. 

Certainly, there is a difference between something I have to do and something I want to do.  Like if the task is an idea I have and I want to explore the possibility, and have the time to do so, I’ll bang out some pretty epic shit to present or share.

If I’m emailed, called, or voluntold to accomplish, spearhead or do the grunt work I will make a note and move onto something else.

Mind you, I have never missed a deadline…. except for two credit card payments.

In college, there were a few times I roughly created the basis of art history papers, gathered the resources that I needed to study in order to write my understanding and theory; and then let it sit in idle while I did other things.  Two of those papers were the prerequisite to complete prior to heading to Italy to study abroad and present in front of the actual architectural icons. (the pressure was real the week before leaving).

So in my panic, and not making the time to sit at my desktop (dial up) computer in my tiny room - I sent all my resources to my mom to create my paper for me to then read through, add and edit.  I’m not proud of using the “mommy mill”.  I was too engrossed in my physical work of design and detail - ya know the whole reason being at school - to focus on writing about the past.  I know, ironic, when I need to know the past in order to not replicate bad ideas or claim to have something new.  If you were wondering, my mom got an A+ for her work, thanks to my presentation skills (I’m kidding I’m kidding).

I am not a leisure person.  I have so many spindles pinging off my brain it takes a good bit for me to stay focused and energized about an idea and really work through it.

And if I may, I must thank my mom for her editing and review, and yes writing.  I NEVER just handed anything in before reviewing, making changes or adding to the foundation of the work.  And most all the time (except for the Italy papers) I wrote the bulk and she went in and added and edited. Nonetheless, by reading her words and ways of storytelling I learned a lot about creating a written experience for a reader.  

For all my major jobs I do a lot of writing, communicating, research, presentations, formats, and reviews.  Each time I get better and feel more confident in accomplishing the task with time to spare.  However, the monster of panic and “holy shit I haven’t done it” sneaks in and I comfortably pull all-nighters to achieve. 

I am a deadline worker.  I create deadlines in my personal life and truly believe that the bottom will fall out if I don’t meet the goal - I have to be this way.

I also understand that this process is the result of me avoiding depression. 

If I do not have more things going on than what I can handle I will spiral into a dark place faster than what I can realize.

When I am not accountable for something I feel lost. 

This is why I came into my own after having my daughter. 

And when I moved to apartments.

And when I “for the fun of it” bought a house. 

When I continue to take on tasks at work, and then another job. 

Why I say “yes” when everything points to “no, fuck no”. 

I love being active/busy/overwhelmed/inundated/exhausted/overextended because, I believe, it’s what saves me from a place in my mind that is unsafe and that I fear I’ll never come back from again.

My procrastination and my overcompensation are two beautiful enemies.  This is why I can’t feel comfortable taking time off or even just sitting in a nice spot and enjoying a chunk of the day without feeling extreme guilt and regret (to which I make up for that down time at night to accomplish the to-do list).

In the last 6 years I have become better and worse.

I have planned better and have become unable to delegate or ask for help (minus the need to request my parents to watch my daughter when I work and it’s not school or camp).

When it comes to my daughter, I’m on point.  Papers and forms are in, schedule is lined up, appointments made, party’s planned - check check check.

When it comes to me - utter chaos, destruction, half-assery, creating up to the deadline. 

When it comes to something that is mainly on me but heavily involves my daughter - it’s tightly coordinated and complete in advance.

Maybe the moral of the story is - I need someone that I love that’s part of the task in order to create and close out timely?!  OR if it is a financial matter I am ALL OVER IT FAST!  Taxes, are always done in February.  Bills paid - on time every time.  I do not like to live in more debt than I am already forced to with student loans and a mortgage.  So if I can pay it off, negotiate a payment plan with no or little interest, call to talk to someone to find better options - I will sacrifice everything else to get that cleared up.  Financial ruin, or overhang, put an immense pressure on my psyche that I become unable to move forward with anything other than the daily function of my daughter.

I came across this TED talk tim_urban_inside_the_mind_of_a_master_procrastinator - it’s funny and oh so true.  

We all have versions of this in us.  There are all things we have to do that we don’t want to do.  There are always levels of energy and emotion to give to something that you just might not have that day, week or month.  There are a trillion factors that go into why we do or don’t do something.  And sometimes the best work comes immediately at the moment you need it to because you haven’t had time to rethink a theory or process.  And sometimes a wing and a prayer won’t save you from complete career or life destruction that you could have avoided if the steps were taken wisely. 

All I know is that I am aware of my actions to not always take action timely.  I also believe that is just how my brain operates and is most likely why it’s easy for me to connect and engage in most any social setting.  I absorb information quickly.  I disburse it slowly.  I execute at high stakes timing. 

I’m not right and I’m not wrong.

I do have a goal (by February, 2023) to chill the fuck out.  And see, I gave myself a deadline.

                                    ~ virtual chest bump