This comes after many long weeks and weekends of me realizing I need to hustle significantly more in life and get what I want rather than have this pie-in-the-sky mindset that I will be seen for a higher worth or best talent or future forecasting insight to afford me financial gain or extra time on my hands.
Let me break this down. Ever since I could drive a car I have needed to prove myself, earn my keep, work harder, play less. I’m fairly certain my siblings wouldn’t see my life as anything close to a struggle or that I didn’t get anything I wanted. The beauty of having 7 years between my sister and I and 3 years between my brother and I is that we were all at different points in our lives the moment anyone was older than 10. Even in a family, close friends, colleagues - you see what you want to see and believe what you want. Goes with the saying “you don't know what you don't know”. Nonetheless, I don’t think anyone told me how and what to do and that I needed to put effort into life the way I did. I just did. And like most people when I was told I could or couldn’t do something I wanted to do the opposite.
My whole grade-school life I had tutors, I barely passed classes, my mom was always talking to counselors and teachers to understand what was “wrong with me”. I tried. I actually really did. I studied, did my homework, read the books, participated in class, did extra credit, played sports, played instruments, and participated in class activities. It was when the tests came that I froze… I even second guessed if I spelled my name correctly at the top of the page. And then in 11th grade my counselor said with my mom present “she really isn’t college material, she should go to a tech school to learn a trade or find a good full time job”. Nothing wrong with any of that but damn, thanks for your support of my creative goals and aspirations to travel and leave this hellish place that I haven’t found to be where I can cultivate who I am.
Fast forward 21 years later.
I have been required, and have self-inflicted, to prove myself at any expense. And those expenses are my well-being, personal life, passion, self-love, savings, growth.
I have never asked for what I need (emotionally, financially, or physically).
My whole working life (15 years of age to my current plateau of 38) I have worked for 3 significant long term employers. I have never negotiated my salary or benefits, I have taken what was offered since I believe(ed) that is my worth and I should be grateful to be considered since I’m not really “xyz” material.
My whole dating life I have presumed the relationship I was in was how all relationships were at whatever stage I was in. I never second guessed my feelings or expectations. I didn’t ask for anything beyond what I received at any point as I believe(ed) my thoughts and feelings were irrational and not aligned with how to be in a “good” relationship.
My whole personal life of friends and activities were never at a point of consistency. I played sports and instruments but I was never the scorer or the soloist. I was the second rotation and back seat on stage. I was fill-in to meet the required number of participants to fulfill the requirement… maybe I wasn’t, but people were always surprised to see my name on a list of who was playing. I didn’t ask for extra workouts or practice. I didn’t question what I was or wasn’t offering. In this case, I did enough to be engaged, wear the uniform and to be present on a few more pages in the yearbook outside of my class roster. It was also my deflection to not achieve high honors in grades or clubs. Oh and I was “friends” with many but not actual friends with anyone. I’m not the one that has grade-school friends that I came home from college and hung out with… and certainly don’t have them now.
What’s the point in all of this? I have no clue.
It has all percolated up these past couple of weeks for me.
In short.
I came back from vacation with a bill I didn’t expect and due to Covid they (hotel) reserved the right to fuck me without warning.
Following - I began receiving bills one day after another for medical bills between my daughter and I that my insurance didn’t cover and the “system” is just getting around to billing because they have a year to actualize items and I have a minute to zero them out.
Layer-in the realization that I am getting paid less than someone doing 1/5th of my job living in South Dakota and you’ve got yourself a Syd-Cylone!!!!
This is where the hustle comes in.
I created my resume, vetted it with some trusted companions, posted it with positions I felt aligned with AND decided to get a part-time job for full-time weekend work.
Yes.
I have a child and that is our time together.
Yes.
I have a career that I give 70 hours to and get paid for 40 hours.
Yes.
I have a relationship that I could spend extra time towards if I want it to be fruitful and long term.
But then there is guilt and self-talk
If I give extra time towards a romantic relationship instead of my daughter I’m a selfish asshole… and leaning on my parents for something that isn’t producing anything makes me a mooch.
If I don’t get work done, which takes more than 40 hours, I won’t have the opportunity one-fine-day to prove that I’m worthy of gaining another position or getting paid a little more.
If I don’t bank in my time of just being with my daughter I’m going to lose her faster and I’ll miss the good stuff… At the same time, if I don’t work how can I afford to provide her with good food, education and access to activities she loves and thrives with?
Enter “Smells like Sweat and Roses”.
I now have a job on weekends that, yes, has to do with flowers. I deliver, install, lugg, pack, unpack flowers. That is where the sweat comes in.
I love it because it’s fast paced. It’s learning as I go. It’s allowing me to engage with other humans. And, when you deal with flowers, no one - NO ONE - is upset to see you. I’m drenched after 8 hours a day but it’s extremely satisfying.
I get to be around the most beautiful natural creations in colors and aromas that I would die for. I get to see and witness happiness. I also get a great workout and get paid.
Although I feel guilty about not getting that slow weekend morning time with my human. I feel guilt about not putting in the extra hours for work to “get ahead” of some phantom expectation I have set. I feel behind in cleaning, laundry and doing projects at and around my house to feed my hobbies and satisfaction of creation. I feel inadequate to call myself a family member when I don’t spend the time with those blood people I love.
Nonetheless, I have to play on repeat in my mind that my parents get time with their grand-daughter. Very special one-on-one time. She loves them way more than me which I am forever grateful for and I know it’s the best gift I could give my wild and crazy parents! On top of that. I know my daughter doesn’t miss me while I’m not there. She gives me a peace-sign with her hand when she walks in the door to encourage me not to stay long.
Recently, prior to this financial implosion to my reality, my sister-in-law sent us this song saying she thought of us and it’s been a bit of my anthem - unbeknownst to her.
I wish someone would have told me that this darkness comes and goes
People will pretend but baby girl, nobody knows
And even I can't teach you how to fly
But I can show you how to live like your life is on the line
Pink - All I Know So Far
In the end, I’ve learned again… I need to work hard and ask for what I deserve. I need to also put myself in positions that encourage growth and connections in the most positive way. I need to apply myself just the same in career and intimate relationships. And I know there is an argument that the relationships should outweigh the career - I’m just not there yet since I’m a sole-source provider.
Because when it’s all done.
When the curtain closes.
You get what you give, but only when you ask for it, share it, speak it.
I also know that I am able and capable of getting through tough things. I have an ability to traverse through unforeseen situations and sift through the bullshit to get results.
I truly hope my daughter sees that.
I want her to know what I do - in any direction - is out of love.
So for now, I’ll take smelling like sweat and roses to cultivate my next chapter in this odd book. I have no idea how many pages until the change, but I’ll know when I get there.
~ virtual chest bump
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