**Up top** I wrote this collectively over a week ago. When I completed I wasn’t in a place to post anything about anything. So I have gone in and made most items past tense from the original writing.
image by Syd
What feels like a million months ago I planned a vacation.And it happened like a flash.
This is the second time, EVER, we (mini and me) are staying in a hotel… 1 room, 2 queen beds (big girl beds for both of us since we don’t have them at home).
I don’t know how any other family wrangles it with hotels and vacations and one room and more than 2 people, truly I don’t so please educate me.
#1 - I don’t have a TV at home so a hotel is a magical place with a big dark rectangle that must be turned on so I can hear ALL the things my mini sees at “daddy’s house”.
#2 - it’s one room… where do parent(s) go to hide? How do children fall asleep with you in the room?
#3 - my hideout turned out to be the bathroom… towel on the toilet seat. Rose in a water glass. Texting my boyfriend and checking on life that has happened for the single day I have taken off work.
Yes, I began writing this from a beautiful white tile and marble bathroom toilet seat.
Let’s get into the reality of vacationing in a hotel with a 6 year old and minimal control over the environment or offerings… (the single other vacation we have taken I rented a cottage and made all our food, etc. and we barely left our shore front dwelling for a week).
My daughter is gluten-intolerant, but because of the 10 months of trial and error and an incomplete celiac test I cannot confirm or deny Celiac, however, as soon… literally AS SOON.. as I put her on an all gluten-free diet her rashes, bloating, itching, sinus clogs, etc. all went away. BOOM.
SO. on vacation finding places that have 6 yr old friendly gluten-free foods isn’t the easiest.
I do have to say, my mini has a decent palate in the likes of veggies and seafood (as I am a Vega-pescatarian -- dairy hates me and I have chosen for 2 years to not eat meat for no other reason than to not eat meat). Nonetheless, still not easy.
I splurged and rented us a beach cabana for the day for $100 which included an amazing shaded spot with privacy, padded lounge chairs, towels, a cooler of water, additional lounge chairs and towels for sun time, orders of food and beverage to be brought to you, leaving the cabana to walk the beach with ZERO concern of safety for your things. MAGIC.
However, I ordered food… guacamole, mixed green salad, strawberry and melons, hotdog (no bun). The hot dog came an hour later with ketchup packets and was to come with chips… nothing else arrived.
Now I’m not trying to be an asshole, but we are 1 of 5 occupied cabanas out of 25. The only cabana with a child. We filled out a menu card, put my name, cabana number. And all but a hotdog is missing?? Eventually things trickled in (after asking and re-clarifying what I marked on the order card) but it took asking a very kind, flustered, 21 year old five (5) times for the bag of chips for my child. Take away all of it and I was handed a bill for $11.68 for the hotdog without a bun, ketchup packets and no chips (plus the $30 more for the salad and melons and no guac.). I bitch because it’s simple (in my mind), you get a card, you fill it out, you get what you requested. Done. I knew I was paying a premium to get tent side service on the East Coast following a pandemic.
When this vacation of a long weekend was planned in December 2020 I knew it was going to take an act of GOD to get there, for me. I blocked out the 17th and 18th on the corporate calendar so all who perused or input their frequent PTO time, knew I was out. Little by little my days got whittled away. A full day off on the 17th turned into stopping business talk at 4:45pm on my drive to my location… after having 4 conference calls, one of which was a virtual “live” education session for the largest not-for-profit organized group. I don’t get paid enough for what I give… and yes, I should change my ethics in what I give due to my ROI - but that’s for another day.
I continued to write this while I’m lounging in my “big girl bed” and looking to my left at my snug little human with her personal little pillow, her current prized stuffies, her unicorn weighted blanket, snoozing off the sun, surf, whale watching, zoo exploring, bed jumping, days.
Yet, while sitting watching her run the skim of the waves, it stirred me. Her pure excitement yet very apprehensive of the waves power (I'm not mad about that). She knows where she stands in this world and doesn’t give two shits on what anyone thinks.
I know this is the last vacation we will take alone because I have a strong feeling that my Beau will be involved in future plans with his children. (please read this with a feeling of a ball in your throat and extreme heart palpitation… just so you understand how I feel when writing that and re-reading it. I'll unpack this soon as I'm struggling to write clearly about it as my version of free therapy).
I think of how content she is on her own but how much fun she will have with companions to dig and run with.
I watched grandparents watching grandchildren so their children with their partners could take a beach walk. I watched blended and adopted and multiple families together just laughing for what seemed and very well could have been the first time in a very long time.
I heard couples argue and be finished with each other in front of children. (not cool) Furthermore, I saw a mom pack up her things and leave her husband and family on the beach… to never return and he kept his cool.
I saw privilege and exhausted measures to have a great time.
My heart ached and swelled.
To take a day off of work is a really REALLY big deal to me because it is not easy for me to disconnect… never has been. This is why in my 48 hours of “vacation” I find a very nice hotel, cabana, whale watching, gluten free cookies waiting in the room, pedicures scheduled, and a zoo trip. I’m a mom that lives with significant guilt which is why those things happened.
Guilt that my extreme working to get paid less than what I should is costing me precious time with mentally capturing my daughter. Thus, my current curiosity of finding out if my career should be about money or time! A streaming thought story for another day maybe.
I cried, silently, or maybe it was loud - with the wind and waves coming in no one could hear anything. I wiped tears from under my sunglasses as I literally left everything behind except my beach chair to sit at the water's ever changing edge and witness my daughter. And I missed her while she was with me. No one tells you that when you have a child your heart will be forever outside of your body… or maybe someone does somewhere but you don’t hear that noise.
We went for beach walks where she was 100 yards in front of me and all I could think was “long stride, curious soul, chasing waves”, and I could hear her giggle over the waves. I physically followed her footsteps and didn’t need to change my gate to step on each footprint in the sand. I’m 5’11” tall. My daughter is 50” tall. I had this day where I was drinking her in, drowning, gasping, grieving, and intensely loving all aspects of motherhood.
And even while sitting on my towel, on a toilet seat, I know how insanely blessed I am. I have a happy, healthy, excited, engaged child. I have enough to do something and not too much to do nothing - meaning - my daughter knows that the gifts that we have on this trip are very special and not a given. The simple detail of sitting on a bench at the foot of our beds, in our hotel room, while watching a cartoon, eating cereal and milk brought from home out of a plastic cup and spoon is SPECIAL.
image by Syd
With that last statement being said. I didn’t need to take her anywhere. I could have taken the day off, stayed home, paid $15 to go to the local pool or head to a botanical garden we love to visit and that would have been a different and same kind of magic. In hindsight, that’s what I should have done.
I don’t know what tomorrow brings, but I hope I don’t miss it. Being a mom to my little sweet soul is my most favorite thing in the world. Being a mom that can provide adventure and experience is a gift and blessing. A challenge to me is how can I continue to love so openly and honestly with anyone other than my daughter? I never want her to feel like she is and has been “it”. That my happiness is tied up to her. I don’t want her to feel that burden. And truly my biggest step is letting in a relationship. It makes me mind-bendingly nervous to think of fully adding someone else to our mix. To fuck up what I have had going with my daughter for 6 years. And these are the things that continue to weave through my head. That if by trusting myself and trusting to love another will hurt her. Torturous words that play in my head that paralyze me. So the tears, the lack of sleep, the busting my shoulder to hold her across hot sand because of an injured toe… it’s all the pain I’m ok with as I wrestle with what this all starts looking like in the near future.
Yet, with this post I find myself editing out the things I feel very unsteady about. Any claims I had felt with a glimmer of clarity while listening to waves and giggles... All of that came crashing down the Monday following my moments away and the tailspin started again.
However, I do feel with certainty, as a single mom it’s important to remind yourself of a few things, and prepare yourself for the others when getting away with your little ones: (would love to hear other ideas or reminders!!)
How to plan an epic long weekend for you and your mini.
What really matters when getting away? Zero in on your intention and let that be the ride you stay on.
Act out the life you want to live.
Don’t be concerned with saying you’re afraid.
Trust the ones you're with - if you can’t trust them don’t be with them.
Hold Hands.
Always bring stuffies and your pillow.
Friendship bracelets are appropriate all the time and all ages.
Let your hair down and gallop damnit.
Sunscreen.
When water is up to your shoulders it’s 1000% appropriate to dance.
Pay for the cabana feature.
Always bring staples - as in food. There is always a refrigerator!
Use all the lotions and soaps provided for you in the room.
Pack a candle to create your own little space - get that “other person” smell out of there.
No Housekeeping, keep your door tag on “do not disturb” and leave your shit everywhere.
Just because there is a black rectangle doesn’t mean you need to turn on the rectangle.
Pack band-aids, family style sizes… also recommend bandage tape.
If staying in a hotel - get a suite so you have some time to chill and not creep around like you’re trying to rob the place.
Find free shit to do if you want to do anything other than sand and pool time.
Buy yourself a new bathing suit - own it like a boss because you ain’t never gonna see those people again.
Snuggle-time is real!
image by Syd
This was all a really interesting past week. I've learned I've never given myself grace, however, I'm grateful I can find presence when I'm with my mini.
~ virtual chest bump
Comments
Post a Comment
We would love to hear your thoughts and questions. We learn best together and find our journey more enjoyable when we have a tribe!