My grandmother was the magician when it came to getting stains out of any type of material. She also stitched and patched, darned and added detail to anything you wanted…. Or that she knew should have a continued use (BTW, not always the best option). See, she was a depression era child. NOTHING was thrown out, family was everything even if you didn't care for someone, and bones from your food had a few more purposes before the trash can.
We all have someone in our families like this. The person that won't let anything go (hoarder), is painfully frugal (yet has a stockpile of hidden cash in drawers, pockets, and old pouches), and who will never let you know if something is wrong (the martyr). All the while is anti-sentimental and shows zero emotion towards most anything.
There is a beauty and a painful disguise in all of it.
I have many of these traits, most of the time I laugh when they show up in my actions, sometimes I hold my breath hoping this isn't the start of the cycle in aging (or becoming a full blown asshole). Sidenote: I’m extremely sentimental which tends to prevent me from buying anything new.
Being raised in a family with minimal (two) divorces (known), limited real estate moves, only recent generation college degree holders, and no one leaving a 50 mile radius from their childhood home - is odd… which makes sense why I feel so odd. But this is where the “Rinse and Repeat” comes from... the Groundhogs Day version of real life (check out the sweet 1993 trailer https://youtu.be/GncQtURdcE4).
I never knew I was in the “rinse and repeat” life until I wasn’t. Now read carefully… I hit this “ah ha” moment several times in my life so it makes zero sense why anything jostles me now.
Hearing from a guidance counselor in high school that I wasn’t college material and should get a job and maybe go to a tech school. Nothing wrong with any of that, however, it wasn’t my choice nor was it a thought process and when someone tells me I can’t do something it spurs something in me like a volcanic explosion (I’m certain I’m not the only one with that feeling!)
Going on college tours and interviews to only be accepted by one on a contingency (was the one I went to and wouldn’t change it for anything).... Oh and then 9/11/01 happened a minute after I got to college 693 miles away from home.
Boyfriend from high school cheats on me.
College boyfriend ends up being married.
Death of family members.
Living at home (with parents) and Not living at home.
My mom was diagnosed with cancer, and survived.
Losing my relationship with my brother.
Getting Married.
Death of more family members.
Having a baby.
Working with work and then working some more.
Divorce
Losing my relationship with my sister, gaining my brother back.
Death of family member.
Hating my parents and loving my parents.
Moving.
Putting my dog down after 13 years of companionship.
Changing jobs.
Dating…. Ugh dating, very sporadically and really not at all.
Getting a Cat.
Buying a House.
I write this all out not for anything other than for myself, and maybe whomever to read and maybe do the same thing. It’s impressive the recall how much change you can have in your life (good/bad/indifferent) and realize that you survived it! And SURPRISE... change happens every.damn.day. Just some shit lands heavier with a smack in the face.
This isn't special, nor do I see myself that way.
It's only been in recent years that some understanding has settled into my knowledge bank. It's all things I have always known, been frustrated with, ignored or confronted through my teens and 20's. But maybe it's my late 30's and buying my first home (and a pandemic) that gave me space to acknowledge what parts of my life lessons do I need to stain-stick or make into a cleaning rag.
There is a point when some of the items listed above and some that just aren’t at the forefront of my mind at this moment that need to just be gone from long-term memory. I think a bunch of it is that I’m holding my breath waiting for the “repeat” to occur...even now.
Every step I have taken forward I have done so by holding my breath. It’s a trained default. A reaction to living life that I have become accustomed to… or that I have chosen to believe is my fate. Some people I know call me the pessimist. I might be. I might also be extremely cautious as I find my way and come out of my Rinse cycle.
The point, for me, in starting this blog - with my best friend - was due to these revelations and the, finally starting to uncover, an unapologetic view of who I am, what I've experienced, what I'm still working on and how to, genuinely, live my best life. With the support, guidance, space and zero judgement from my co creator - Liz - I have found vibration in the juxtaposition of both of our lives and have fully come into the understanding that my life is mine, I don't need to excuse it or compare it (easier said than done).
Being surrounded by men and women, as a child, that didn't (and don't) like to let anything go - this really means tangible items, but I laugh because it’s also true for literally anything else - made me feel as if every single thing I owned, or was a part of (i.e. marriage) had to have a reason, a story, 100 types of lives and be passed on through generations. Read between the lines here, that is mainly emotional baggage and quiet pain… along with some junk in a basement (thanks to my grandmother's personality).
In this pandemic, being a single mom, working full time (from home), supporting virtual learning for a 6 year old, isolated outside of a "pod" - I have let go, in the way of giving myself emotional freedom. I have attempted to consciously define what is worth the energy to save, support and care for and what has served its purpose for my life.
This is huge for me… maybe it would be for you too!?
The mantra that 'nothing in life is permanent' is wildly true.
With that idea I have welcomed the thought that:
Not all jobs/careers are forever (this is not the 50’s or 70’s or 80’s where getting a job meant retiring from that same employer).
Family isn’t forever. Even blood has seasons and limits.
Friends will shift. Those broken heart necklaces are quite symbolic.
Love is worth risking. If you feel pain that means you have felt love in order to know the difference… so yes, it’s worth it.
My human is growing, watching and collecting data at all times. SHIT!
So riddle me this...
What do you choose to spot-treat, rinse and repeat?
What can no longer be used as its original form but might still be helpful in another way?
What needs to be pitched without looking back?
- virtual chest bump
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