What would happen if you would sing L.O.V.E. to yourself? YIKES. Like full commitment, mindful thought about loving yourself.
Immediately what remixes in my head is What's Love Got To Do With It? from Tina Turner
What’s love but a second-hand emotion?
What’s love got to do, got to do with it?
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?
So this post is short and sweet, just like a “shareable” size of Peanut M&M’s (who shares them? Is that written on there because “family size” is inappropriate to purchase at the airport?).
Anywho. Here is a tiny back story as to what got me to the meat of this post…
Late 2017 / early 2018 I dipped my toe into online dating.
And by dipping I mean, rearing back, eyes squeezed tightly shut, not knowing if the water was going to be frigid or boiling hot, slight blurry view squint out of my dominant eye. This also meant I had no idea what I was doing. Not realizing the app followed my location to find matches within whatever radius from me. Being that I travel a lot for work, my pool of “suitors” kept changing and I never noticed why. (I swear I’m bright).
One week when I was down the East Coast for work, I matched with a handsome guy, let’s call him Linus (up top, he has approved this to be his phantom name). Linus and I chatted online a few times and then chose to talk on the phone. Funny, curious, laid back, mindful, mysterious, magically naïve - would be the best ways I can describe Linus. Our conversation was simple and not too lengthy. I was maxed out with work and stress (not news). We talked about meeting up but it just wasn’t in the cards. So the meet up never happened but a friendship was formed.
Cut to 2021.
It’s a rare occurrence that I don’t text Linus weekly about something or to check in. So my match was a pen-pal, which has been the best version for me, and I think for him. We have never talked on the phone after that initial call. We do not share photos of ourselves or people in our lives. He does not know my daughter's name. It’s very strange and very comforting.
However, we share(d) a connection with Yoga and chill music. So Linus informed me of a retreat for women that the owner of a studio he attended, was leading. No clue what made me sign up and drive 5.5 hours in November 2018, but I did it.
The weekend was all about self love, finding voice through trauma, yoga, meditation, nurturing food, feeling community with 12 unknown others, and connecting to nature.
There were several journal writing prompts but the mother load landed when we were encouraged to write a love letter to ourselves (What the Fuck???!). To drop all the bullshit and self-talk. Embracing the perfect imperfections and speaking authentically kind to ourselves.
This took a long independent hike in the woods and mountains for me, where I’ve never been before, with no cell service or any level of safety items on my person - to find a voice I hadn’t heard in over a decade.
Getting back to the house (yes we all stayed in this huge house practicing yoga, cooking, showering, creating space together). I made some epic, who-knows-what-it-was tea and a piece of cacao. And marched myself back outside to a wood pile and sat on top to write.
Since I don’t know what the tea was that was so yummy...
I’ve created something just as soothing for this post scribing.
Boil Water.
Add Honey to your favorite Mug - Honey & Unicorn Mug (different than pictured)
Grab some loose leaf tea (best with lavender) - Tiesta Tea
Steep - Baby Nessie
Top with Almond Milk.
Oooooooo YEA
So grab some DECAF tea and find your wood pile. A small journal page, a posted note, a whole legal pad. Keep writing without crossing anything out. Throw grammar to the firepit. You know what you are saying and meaning and that’s all that matters. It’s uncomfortable.
In my journal from that weekend I wrote two separate times “When God wants you to grow he will make you uncomfortable.” I can’t remember why I wrote it, or if someone said it… doesn’t matter. The point is, it’s true. Discomfort brings ingenuity, creativeness, clear vision OUT of the situation making you uncomfortable. And BONUS, you are a better badass on the other side.
So if you have a ping of nausea to even think about writing a love letter to yourself - PERFECT. Just begin. (also saying this in stereo sound to my girl Liz)
And then… ugg....
Read it out loud to yourself. Don’t fix anything.
Then, with conviction.
Read again and begin to make it really clear. Get to the point of your love. Like time is of the essence.
Make it something you could memorize.
I haven’t revisited mine for a long time.
It makes me so emotional to read again because I now, more than ever, feel these feels for myself. And what’s even more mind bending? I have now actually found someone that I not only chatted with, talked to and met, but that I love. I chose to believe I wrote this letter in 2018 as a manifestation to gain someone in my life that would actually write and say these things to me. And that I would be able to say “You’re Damn Right!”
When shit stays in your head it doesn’t shape shift. Nothing changes.
What you say matters. And most importantly - it’s what you say to yourself that really matters.
Goals aren’t goals until you write them and speak them.
Hello Love, my sweet soul,
It’s been a while since we’ve shared space, held one another. I miss your movement through my life. The way your eyes look at me has the definition of care. I’m not sure how I’ve earned your trust, but I promise I won’t break it. I want to care for you, be the witness to your epic love and life story. You may struggle knowing who you are and what you are to others, however, I know.
I know how you love deeply, have curiosity to always be better, how you give till you’re empty and say “yes” when others say “no”. I see you. I see your rage and intense empathy. I observe your softness, compassion, your small amounts of self love throughout a day - I know you don’t see them.
I ask you to dial back your deposits to others, pause before depleting yourself.
I ask this because of how much I adore you. How insanely in love I am for you, YOU.
You in the car alone.
You getting into bed.
You watching your daughter in nature.
You cooking.
You in the shower.
Your impassioned voice.
Your moments longer hugs.
Your clenched jaw emotion when witnessing big love and courage.
Let me love you till the end of our days and let me walk with you forever.
<3 Your Love
Comments
Post a Comment
We would love to hear your thoughts and questions. We learn best together and find our journey more enjoyable when we have a tribe!