A ship in the harbor is safe. But that is not what ships were built for.

I’ve had this thing for a little over a year.  Not a rash or a constant dry cough.  This soul pulling, no amount of therapy or journaling can possibly articulate the feels properly - kind of thing.  Maybe Liz is my catalyst… my Salamander.  See, writing this comes after a full insane, reinstated travel for work, not being a “mom” (my human has her dad time), driving… ugg driving the same roads so much I have no memory of the time between.  To finally end up at home with sun and 66 degrees and my Oura Ring (if you don’t know what this is please check it out Oura Ring: Accurate Health Information Accessible to Everyone, it’s wild how informative) is telling me to have a chill day but I needed movement.  I could sit down, have a glass of wine, read, do nothing.  But that’s not what my body is meant for - it craved movement.  Now please know - this body does not move gracefully, or even like a lady.  I did ballet for a minute when I was my human’s age but it was really because my best friend was doing it and I liked tutu’s.  I digress.  I needed to walk… not run.  I put on my ear buds and left my house for 1 hour.  Listened to Brene Brown’s interview with Barack Obama and 30 min. in I found my cadence (to me the first 30min wasn’t drawing me in).  Check it out Brené with President Barack Obama on Leadership, Family and Service | Brené Brown (brenebrown.com)

When I came home the “ship” thought dawned on me… along with “that ship has sailed” and “shit happens”.  I have oracle cards and decided to pull one for the first time in a long while, Salamander.  Meaning adaptability. MIND EXPLOSION for what I’m going to unravel (full disclosure, I wrote everything, read the card and circled back to this part to share).

Back to the Ship and shit.  

As a Ship, leaving the harbor is good, fun, and what said vessel is built for.  However, add a swale, loss of gear, failed navigation, connection to land or even a capsize… to leave the dock after that (that is if you are found) becomes unyielding.  The paralysis is real.  Being saved from a capsize doesn’t immediately reclaim courage. Right??  

Wrong.

Sometimes the “capsize” is what humans were built for, right? Without knowing the struggle how do you know the glory? 

I was meant to be challenged (possibly just like you?) - I don’t want the challenge but it’s an unspoken risk in venturing out to the edge of the horizon only to get there and realize there is no edge.  Like in the podcast when President Obama speaks of why he picked Michelle to marry, it was BECAUSE she would challenge him, she would not always be on his side, she would respect him and demand the same.  That can be applied to ANYTHING.  Choosing your career, partnerships in love and friendship, parenting your children, training your dogs, etc.  The matches are innumerable as to what is tangible in life and what applies to what we all need in the moment.

It took me quite some time to become open to that idea, so I decided to pick and find people that challenge my perspective - that’s where the good shit is.  It’s sticky and easier to turn away, be sarcastic, shut it down.  I know.  I’m a fantastic avoider on the personal front and an aggressive confrontationist on the professional front.

I stayed in my harbor, my tiny barnacle building dock for 5 years following my divorce.  I probably wouldn’t have noticed the time passing except for the baby turned small human I was feeding and watering everyday showing me, in real time, the gravity of my choices and reality of how I wanted her to experience the world, love, career, adventure, confidence, and independence.  But still, I didn’t want to be challenged, I didn’t want to see anything differently (especially myself), I couldn’t take the time to process what was happening, there was too much fatigue resting around me. Oh and best of all, I couldn’t grieve (yes grieve).

I want to unravel that for a minute because there have been some people that I’ve said the word “grieve” revolving around my divorce and they look at me like I’m crazy.  As if a choice of ending a relationship (or a choice of ending anything) shouldn’t be grieved because nothing physical died out of your control.   

grieve verb

grieved; grieving

Definition of grieve

transitive verb

1: to cause to suffer : DISTRESS

it grieves me to see him this way

2: to feel or show grief over

grieving the death of her son

3: to submit a formal grievance concerning

grieve a dismissal

I believe people are allowed and should grieve, mourn, and process loss of all kinds - including dreams, hopes and promises.  It’s very hard for me to give that time to my healing.  This is how 5 years easily slid by without having a need to “feel” anything.  I made the decision to begin and follow through with the legal process of divorce.  Weeks shy of 5 years in marriage (over 10 years total together with each other) , a 7 month old baby - I made a choice that I could live with in my future, but knew it would be an excruciating choice in the short term.

Shit changed.  It got fucked up and changed from what I didn’t have planned (yes, you read that correctly and I’ll get into that more in another post...still not ready to unpack it).  You might ask, how can something change if it was never planned.  Those damn unspoken “Expectations” settled into my mind.  The unsaid, and said, understandings of life, work, love, repeat.  The BEST thing I did was remove myself from social media, fully, and stop having a TV… yes I still shower and enjoy central air.  I just didn’t have the bandwidth to allow anything else into my space to deviate me from my task of healing - even though I didn’t (and most likely still don’t) know what that looks like.  I guess I’ve healed the best way I knew how.  Focused on work, family, gaining and fostering my relationship back with my brother and sister in-law (by the way they are my lighthouse), the friends that stayed when it got uncomfortable, and most of all my daughter. I was left figuring out if I wanted to keep my cracked foundation or move sites, find another view, establish something just mine with my beloved child.  I’ve chosen to set sail, anchoring where I please, into the turbulent waters, with a life vest, swimmies, O2 tank and zinc on my nose (just to be prepared for fun or fear).

It takes courage to choose to be untethered from a safe haven (or the façade of one). But courage is something different for everyone.  I don’t believe that courage comes from yourself alone.  It takes a squad.  It takes the believers in you and your best self.  I’m beyond grateful I had that in a very tight group of friends and my most intimate family.  To be clear.  The process put me at an unexpected loss on both the friends and the family front, but my net gain was B-A-N-A-N-A-S. 

In that challenge, the “capsize” of my life at the time, I found the rad space of nonjudgement from the people I adored most.  And there was a bonus.  They adored me the same, if not more.  I kick myself for not being uncomfortable more.  For not welcoming in perspectives in a generous way.  I do not regret the path that I was on, or the one I’m on now.  But damn, I’m thrilled with the horizon line and, with my newly uncovered unbridled heart, to know there is MORE since I've started to where I’m still going. 

The past (over 5 years of life) has been a kick in the ovaries of a reality check and it’s taking this writing to confidently know - I never lost anything in that time.  This isn’t all kumbaya, trust that.  In a moment I’ll lose sight of all these layers of "wisdom"… ya know, easier said than done.  But I’ll hold this post as accountability.

Like the salamander - Living through loss brings gifts of renewal.  Liz was a big part of my renewal.  Maybe it is her youth, sparkle in her eye, love of love, hard work, friends group (that has ultimately adopted me that I’m quite humbled by), how she can experience unexpected life altering situations and adapt quickly and precisely.  Also, her consistent presence in my life - even stronger after I left our joint place of employment - with her unaltered heart and ability to give from a place of love; softly guided me to see that my heart was still full.  That I had a chance for a new life, with a new perspective, with a whole other set of tools to support love and growth in a way I wouldn’t have known otherwise.  With all of life's storm, all the awkward moments, all the uncertainty, all the mental and emotional toll my marriage landed on me for the years after letting it go… I finally released my ropes without a direction planned and a mantra to “Be Open Rather than Closed”.  I’m fairly certain that mindset, and a dating “program”, allowed me to drift into safe waters where Jack was patiently waiting.

So some questions for you:

1. What is it that you are Not doing today?

2. What haven’t you started doing yet?

3. Could you try today?

4. What would happen if you would just drift?

Love yourself and show yourself - Barnacles and all.

virtual chest bump -